Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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water it, i dare you
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*