Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

The “baby” on the left….

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.