Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?