Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

No.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

How many? 🤔

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot