Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

When ur friends with white people

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.