Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

is frankincense just very honest incense?