Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
You Might Also Like
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
i can’t wait that long
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Art by Pastelkatto
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.