Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I miss having a cat. I used to refer to him as my roommate because it always made me laugh seeing peoples faces when I’d tell them my roommate pooped on the kitchen counter or my roommate keeps giving me dead birds.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice