Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK