Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Sell your car

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.