Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”