DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
United Steaks of America
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.