DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
You Might Also Like
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.