DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.