DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?