Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
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[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.