Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.