Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.