Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”