Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]