Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

The glockness monster

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Goodnight 🐶

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.