Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

house sitting!

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Bootstraps

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.