Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

🧠