You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me trying to walk in a dream
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?