Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄