Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
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WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
i want enemies
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
scares
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.