Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
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Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.