Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Peace was never an option
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
i wish i could marry a nap
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.