Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.