Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Yup
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money