Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*jingles half the way*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”