Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
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Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’ve disappointed better people.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
notice
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..