Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

catch me on valentine’s day like

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

I hate everything