Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
not to brag, but mine was free
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.