Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

No, you’re not getting it your honor

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me