Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
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*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I have many caverns
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed