Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Never forget.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?