@badbanana: Donald Trump says he'll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she'll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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@clindsaysway: That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the 'close' button
@sir_shithead_I: *Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail* I'm not going to this shit, that's what Facebook is for. *reads 'open bar'* Aaaand I'm in.
@3sunzzz: [aquarium] *penguin strapped on my back* Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back? No, it's just a backpack. Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?! um, fish