Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
You Might Also Like
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No