Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
You Might Also Like
In space, no one can hear…
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.