Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.