Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

sugar glider wrangler

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

who did the taste test?