Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

Yes

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.