Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”