Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

A Short Story.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.