Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

Finally

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.