Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
my astrological sign is a french fry
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.