Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course