Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update