Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating