Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

If snakes were wide

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

*serious situation*

My brain: