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Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night