“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.