Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

my fav colour is also hitler

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?