@Home_Halfway

“Donatello” ~ Italian man telling me to keep a secret

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@ShrugLord

It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day

@ceejoyner

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

@ObscureGent

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

@chuckconry

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

@behindyourback

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

@TheBoydP

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

@UncleDuke1969

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”