*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Strangers have the best candy.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.