*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.