Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
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“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.