Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Sniffing the broccoli

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”