Donating blood today to make room for more food
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Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
The photographer’s assistant
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
X-tra spooky blend
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry