Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

Oh yeah that’s it

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid