[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.