[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
eating my hot dog hamburger style
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.