Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

LOL