[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.