[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.