Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

“no gods no masters” = leo

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.