“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
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Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
found this cool rock hiking today
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore