Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.