“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
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Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Happy Thanksgiving
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”