“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
You Might Also Like
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭