“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
You Might Also Like
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
No one can handle that
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.